Who The Hell Are You???

I miss being me..so much of what i used to identify myself with has suddenly been shelved away somewhere in a dark corner of an abandoned library,  making way to more “important and pressing needs of the day”, more “adult” behavior as society calls it. Plainly to think it’s just an excuse we created to stop being who we are... and become who we are supposed to be.

 The hard part is that we who claimed to never succumb to this inevitable situation, have fallen prey without even realizing that we have and with all are might, energy and sanity (what’s left of it) are giving every breath we have to uphold this rational decision that we made to pursue our careers and put everything on hold...everything meaning life..Everything; meaning who we are.

 All these things that we claim to be less important for the time being are so far away from who we are today that when we look back, it feels so distant like nothing but a whisk that never really existed and no matter how hard you try you can’t seem to find in you what you have put away... they become no longer shelved but rather outdated dreams a part of us that has been lost...sometimes leaving us unfulfilled...making us forget who we always wanted to be...

Who are doctors? People who help heal people who are ill (to put it plainly) How does society picture us? as people who have no time of day for anything other than their job and studying and yet even if there was time we just simply don’t make the effort to do all those things that kinder my spirit anymore. I do love my job, everything about it but there are other things I love as well and it seems unfair that I have to lose all those aspects that made me feel alive because I choose to say that I love my job. 

Why don’t I write, why don’t I draw or paint, why don’t I take long walks, why don’t I dance, why don’t i play the piano, why don’t listen to music or watch new movies...why why why?? It’s not falling short of what I have dreamed that torments me, its failing to fulfil the needs of my soul and losing pieces of who I am little by little, ignorant of the fact that if I put away an interest or a habit I like for now because I cant make time for it then when I want to rekindle it it’s no longer relevant!! Am I ready to say goodbye to all I was?? Is there nothing in my past that i wish naught to carry to my future? Has the sum existence of my being been reduced to Vicknesha Pirathayini a medical student in RSUP Sanglah, Denpasar, Bali?? Why am I waiting to live my dream? Why did I let go of the ones I was already living...so many whys and so little answers....

It’s not that I chase a pass that was, its that I can’t help but realise I have lost pieces of me that I wish I had no. ..and yet i seek among the shadows of yesterday what i hope to yield in my tomorrow once again..