Who The Hell Are You???

I miss being me..so much of what i used to identify myself with has suddenly been shelved away somewhere in a dark corner of an abandoned library,  making way to more “important and pressing needs of the day”, more “adult” behavior as society calls it. Plainly to think it’s just an excuse we created to stop being who we are... and become who we are supposed to be.

 The hard part is that we who claimed to never succumb to this inevitable situation, have fallen prey without even realizing that we have and with all are might, energy and sanity (what’s left of it) are giving every breath we have to uphold this rational decision that we made to pursue our careers and put everything on hold...everything meaning life..Everything; meaning who we are.

 All these things that we claim to be less important for the time being are so far away from who we are today that when we look back, it feels so distant like nothing but a whisk that never really existed and no matter how hard you try you can’t seem to find in you what you have put away... they become no longer shelved but rather outdated dreams a part of us that has been lost...sometimes leaving us unfulfilled...making us forget who we always wanted to be...

Who are doctors? People who help heal people who are ill (to put it plainly) How does society picture us? as people who have no time of day for anything other than their job and studying and yet even if there was time we just simply don’t make the effort to do all those things that kinder my spirit anymore. I do love my job, everything about it but there are other things I love as well and it seems unfair that I have to lose all those aspects that made me feel alive because I choose to say that I love my job. 

Why don’t I write, why don’t I draw or paint, why don’t I take long walks, why don’t I dance, why don’t i play the piano, why don’t listen to music or watch new movies...why why why?? It’s not falling short of what I have dreamed that torments me, its failing to fulfil the needs of my soul and losing pieces of who I am little by little, ignorant of the fact that if I put away an interest or a habit I like for now because I cant make time for it then when I want to rekindle it it’s no longer relevant!! Am I ready to say goodbye to all I was?? Is there nothing in my past that i wish naught to carry to my future? Has the sum existence of my being been reduced to Vicknesha Pirathayini a medical student in RSUP Sanglah, Denpasar, Bali?? Why am I waiting to live my dream? Why did I let go of the ones I was already living...so many whys and so little answers....

It’s not that I chase a pass that was, its that I can’t help but realise I have lost pieces of me that I wish I had no. ..and yet i seek among the shadows of yesterday what i hope to yield in my tomorrow once again..

Fish and chips and Her Royal Highness!

I went out this morning with my friend to tend to an urgent craving for pancakes. Once I reached the restaurant named “Obrigado” (I dare say it’s more of a cafe and hangout spot then a restaurant) all of sudden I wanted to eat real food. Pancake lovers please don’t take offense, what I had in mind was a hearty meal (but if it makes you feel better; I did attack some buttery, maple syrup soaked fluffy pancakes after my meal).

What happened next you ask? An extremely long period of waiting, followed by me being presented with a tiny wok the size of my hand in diameter. In it was the most crunchy yet succulent piece of Dori fish, lying on a bed of salty French fries with a little mayonnaise on top of it. Yes in case you are wondering, it did taste as good as it sounds.

I looked at the mayo on this deliciously looking golden crumbed fish and I realised it just won’t do. I requested the kind waiter to give MORE! So he did.

It all started out very dignified. With my fork in my left hand and my knife in my right I cut through the fish with easy and dipped in the mayonnaise and dabbed a little tomato ketchup. Yes yes I know you are cursing me right now, but please take it as ethical journalism, I want you to feel the incident  *evil laugh at the thought of the people who want to kill me right now*

Well as I proceeded to indulge in this scrumptious cuisine I realized I added more ketchup and mayo and my fork was on my right and my knife on my left. I was so happily enjoying myself and then it dawned on me. Kate Middleton must really love Prince William. Like most teens I had a crush on the heir to be which died of as I grew up and came to my sense that behind all the pomp and ceremony he is just another guy who has quirks and flaws and is certainly not as perfect as I imagine him to be.

Getting back to the story. Kate can’t eat like how I did. Feet up on the sofa, enjoying every bite, holding my cutlery in the wrong hands, bathing my food it with mayo and ketchup without a care in the world. To give that up! (No title or perk could compare)! My, that girl must love this boy. That is when I realised what I wanted, a guy who can cook? Yes that too but someone I can love so much that I am willing to live outside my comfort zone for the rest of my life. Maybe not food, that is a tough one but other things I guess.

Mythical as it may be but it happens.  I hope I am one of those lucky ones or maybe luckier, I might find someone who is willing to live out of his comfort zone for me.

Angst

If you do something in the eye of the public, you put it out there for the world to see. So don’t get upset if your indiscretions are the topic of discussion because word travels. Faster in some places than others but nevertheless it does. 

If you are a not-live to please, it’s my life, you live only once, I live my life my way, I do what makes me happy kind of person then you should also be a I don’t give a damn what others think kind of person. I believe everyone needs a little of all the above although they are not the mottos of my life. 

Getting back to what I was saying earlier, yes you have to be an I don’t give a damn about what they think kind of person to be like that. Why? Because you don’t enjoy what you do and you won’t be entirely happy doing what you love (whatever that maybe) if you toil over the opinions of others. 

You will fluster about their spoken opinions (to your face and behind your back), their unspoken thoughts and their Morse code status updates. Literally every moment is misery where you feel like the world is waging war on you and everyone is being harsh, unreasonable, judgemental and critical. 

When at fact most of it is just their opinion. Yes, yes I can hear you thinking out loud, what gives them the right to be opinionated about my life. IT’S MY LIFE! Come on let’s be realistic here, touch your heart and tell me that you have never ever had an opinion about someone else??? May it be the clothes they wear, the way they wear the makeup, the way the talk? Don’t be blatant liars; admit that you have done that. “They wore something so hideous than too bad they should know people are going to talk about them.” (They would have liked it that’s why they wore it even if it’s an eyesore to you). That is the reality. If you think it’s not the same thing think again.

Someone posts a YouTube video for their friends to see, it gets posted on facebook and travels a gazillion miles a second. Not everyone has nice things to say (I am one of them) and some just don’t know the meaning of the phrase “If you have got nothing nice to say say nothing at all”. Next thing you know the girl who danced at her wedding in a saree gets bombarded. She enjoyed herself no doubt. People who loved her thought it was a good effort and cheered for her. But all these insignificant people are mocking it? “She posted it on YouTube she asked for it” “We have a right to say what we think”. Likewise it applies to you too. They saw what happened and they have an opinion (an unnecessary one especially for the story tellers who feel obligated to make everything sound like a ZEE TV serial). But they have one.

Hmmm. Just realized I finished typing a PAGE! I never inherited the gift of writing short and sweet, something I envy my friend Sabrina for. *smiles cheekily at the thought of her reaction when she reads this*

Anyways, the gist of it is this. If you walked naked in your bedroom and someone says something about it’s an intrusion of your privacy. If you walk naked on the street its public nuisance and you can get yourself arrested. That is the point, whatever you do in public its up for the public to “dissect and analyze”. If you care about what they think (if it angers you then you care), don’t do it. If you love what you’re doing and it’s right by you and your loved ones, than stop caring. If what you do makes you happy not just when you are with your bunch and have to cover macho but also when you are alone and in retrospect, don’t worry about what the world says. Be happy and live right by you. Measure yourself with you own scale but be open to what others say. 

When you can’t differentiate a concern of a friend from a judgement of a foe that is when (i feel) you know that something is amiss, not with them but with you. A friend’s harshness stems for concern and can be dispelled when you explain you love what you do and it makes you happy and that you are safe. Give them that much, because they do care about you that much more. 

Personally I can’t be an I don’t care person, not because I am a people pleaser but I have many people I care for who set high standards (which I always fall short of). I guess I just love them too much that when I see the novelty of some things it just means nothing in comparison to their regard for me. But that is me. There is no right and wrong in life. I ain’t perfect but just a little life lesson I learnt the hard way “Life is carefree when you live it for yourself but meaningful when you live for others”. 

Live it the way you choose but live it for the right reason and only you can decide what is right and not for yourself. Aites, that’s it from, till next time ;)